I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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