I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
