About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
