i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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