you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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