this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
