I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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