Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
