just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
