i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
