In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
