I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
