Only a mothe r could love this liver
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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