i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
