also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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