I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
