So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
