I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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