Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think i have two assholes
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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