I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
