alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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