i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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