Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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