I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
