i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
