she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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