Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
