oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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