Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
