If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
