This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
