I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
