So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
