It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
