I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
