yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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