1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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