the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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