my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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