Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
