Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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