Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Randomize