Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
