ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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