I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
