Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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