His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
