you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
