sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
she woke up with a sticky ear
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
