Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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