He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize