I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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