so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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