don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
