So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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