The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize