you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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