I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
