Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
