I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
